The Prayer Of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

when there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand,

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying to ourselves

that we are born to eternal life.

Training to be Specs.

I've survived the week. Thank goodness.

I'd just experienced the first of 9 weeks of training in the Specialist Course of The SAF Medical Corp. All right, i must first declare that to us the intermediate platoon, it's like heaven. Now, isn't it ironic? We are officially the first batch of MRF Spec2 trainees who don't have to wake up uber early for training in a MOPP suit. Now we sit thru lessons dressed in the standard SMART 4 attire, and life's been good. =) The best thing of all? Ever since the course started, no team leader can volunteer himself to be platoon IC! Muahahahaha! The team leaders had just won immunity challenge and could more or less enjoy these few weeks. As i proudly declared to some of my guys - "In Spec2, i'm no more a team leader, i'm just a trainee..." Haha. I can finally take some time and responsibilities off to enjoy the life of a trainee. And the added bonuses of it all is that i get to watch certain individuals who were generally more laid back being forced to play an active role as platoon or Course IC. And i'll never forget the times when they gave the team leaders so much trouble with their insubordination; this time round it was our chance to bite back, to show them that it's not easy to lead men.

The course basically was a time for the deeper understandings on the human body, and more advanced levels of PAM and other protocols. Nevertheless i learnt lots, especially from Encik Anuar (funny but psychotic dude), and i didn't know that our body could do so many amazing things. It was particularly a more profound understanding of who made us. As i read thru my text, and as i explored the human body and it's various functions, i can't help but declare that God is indeed a creative Lord whom designed us even to the smallest detail, and the design of our bodies are so intricate, to believe that we came from a long line of monkeys would be an insult to me. Our bodies have a million processes running, some even without us controlling, and yet they all run together in harmony. Homeostasis - where the body functions are work towards the producing an equilibrium to sustain the normal body function. I'm also simply amazed at how the body defends itself in face of danger, like how the body constricts our blood vessels in an event of heavy loss of blood to maintain our blood pressure as much as possible, or how insulin are released to police the glucose count in our blood stream. Isn't it amazing? Even my lecturer declared that the human body is a handiwork of God.

And besides all the medical knowledge, we had plenty of physical training. And i'm quite thankful to Encik Munir (MRF CSM) for teaching me an effective running technique that requires the usage of very minimal energy. It was put to the test on Thursday when i had to complete one round medical Centre in less than 10 mins. Naturally the speed was insane, but i managed to sustain myself all the way till the end point. Of coz i felt a natural high after that. Man! I simply love that feeling, that's the reason why i run all the time in camp, albeit slow runs. And i have started a course of caffeine intake after my exercises to increase the heart rate, pumping more oxygenated blood to the different parts of my body that i had trained. I don't exactly know whether it works, but i definitely can feel that i've grown stronger. =)

And yeah, well done this is my first week of training to be a spec. Things will definitely get worst as the weeks unfold, but as usual, if i cannot even survive such a minor thing, then i'll never be ready to face the real world, which is often more brutal and unforgiving.

But i've got no complaints.

I'll just take it like a man.

The MRF Specialist Creed.

We the Specialists of the Medical Response Force.

Hereby pledge to uphold the tenets
And Code of Conduct of the Company.

Lead by example
And always be foremost in demonstrating our capabilities.

Share our knowledge with our men
For knowing is half the battle won.

Exhibit professionalism
And effieciency in troops management.

Achieve the highest standards in training
And yet remain humble and aware of our beginnings.

Maintain a high sense of personal discipline and moral values
Such that in the face of obstacles
we share remain a premier force
And accomplish our mission par excellence.

We can make the difference.

Against all Adversity.

Can't really think of an Apt title... Erm, boo?

Da Pacem Cordium - Give peace to our hearts. One of the many songs found in the new CD that i bought at Trumpet Praise a few weeks back entitled "Songs of Taize". Really good stuff, songs sung in English, French and latin... I simply love latin songs, stuff like Gregorian Chant. Nope, not the modern Chants with all the nonsensical stuff, but rather the original Gregorian Chants that originated with the desire to sing praise and worship to God. Gregorian Chants are basically songs sang without instruments, and usually are a-cappella in nature. I've always loved these stuff, ever since i was part of the St Andrew's Choir in Sec 1. I know i may sound alien here to many people, but i do appreciate these songs better than perhaps Hillsongs? Do not be mistaken, i'm pretty okie with Hillsongs, but i guess i find their recent albums rather "commercialized"? Perhaps i'm outgrowing all these stuff at a pace that even i myself do not know. I'm not a kid anymore that’s for sure (tho i am guilty of behaving like one many times).

And recently there's been a revival in a topic that i thought was once dead. Jachin asked me one day about whether i'm looking for a soul mate in church, and i told him quite abruptly that i wasn't an "homeland investor", that i don't think i'll be looking internally for her. And Jachin shared it in our cell gatherings of both MAD and Nomad, and the way he put it made me sound like a Pharisee.... =/ He said the main reason why i didn't think it's possible to find my soul mate in church is because i know them too well, that i know their flaws and wouldn't want to be associated with them. Ha he got it wrong. It was the other way round. This thought actually originated from a comment that one of the female members of the church made. She said that most guys in church are childish and improper in behaviour and therefore she's "looking outwards". Well, to a certain extent she's right - we are a playful bunch. But the truth is she's focusing on the flaws. I felt like telling her to look at the mirror and see what is been reflected. If it's any holier, then she has the right to judge. But i'm pretty sure she doesn't, therefore though i'm not really offended by the commend, i found it pretty hypocritical. Perhaps it's in us humans to demand what's best for us without thinking of return the same back. During the week i read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and he mentioned in the book that when we look for a mate, do we do it out of selfish need, be it emotional or physical? But as Christians, we must remember that our main objective, our very pursue for romance must be rooted in pleasing God; for any other aim would ultimately lead to disappointment. And one more point he added opened my eyes- that our romantic pursue must be one that seeks to bless our mate. It sounds cliché, but i guess it does echo a timeless truth, that love is patient and love is kind, it does not covert, but always seeks to give. Hard truth, compare to what we hear on the radios nowadays. And for my infamous statement made was more of a minor counter fire, that if all of the females in church shares the same view that their potential mates must be near - perfect, and unable to accept flaws (added with the increasing problem of their inability in the culinary aspect) , then i say the guys in church are pretty much doomed. =O No, i'm not a male chauvinist, i just don't like it when people say how much they want in a mate, yet refuse to look at themselves and ask what they can give instead of receiving.

Okie okie, i admit that there's only a few "good-looking, rich and intellectual" guys in church, but i am very sure that there's plenty of nice guys around who are faithful, true, and caring. You just need to know them better (i'm sure many of them are rather shy. ha.) It's time i guess when we stop looking at the external and all the "bless me" and see what really mattered. Let grace abound in our love. =)

Frail Humanity.

I've been grappling with a issue of late. A issue with my church leaders, and i'm not ashamed to talk about it, rather then hiding it behind a veil of secrecy. I've left that behind ever since i entered army, when i decided to become uncomfortably honest with myself and even others at times. Well here goes, it could most probably be my most politically incorrect post till date.

I've always chosen to think that leaders are perfect people, or at least near perfect, like demi-deities watching over us. And when i see character traits that are somewhat undesirable been displayed, i'll be rather critical about it. Yep, i sound like a Pharisee, i guess i am one, or at least i'm trying to kill what i think is a pharisaic me. And i've been doing alittle soul searching about it. And i realize an important truth that's been told and retold again and again - no ones perfect. Ha took me so long to realize this. I knew that i was one screwed up person already, and i wanted to take someone with me to the grave with my finger pointing. By doing it, i'm basically insulting the grace which had been bought by blood, the very grace that covers me. I have failed to realize that my leaders were basically humans, same flesh and blood, same weaknesses. The title of leadership doesn't make them more superior in any ways. Only perhaps if i look thru the eyes of the world, then positional speaking they are of a higher breed. But in Christ we're all the same. No one can claim superiority, or a lowly status than anyone. At least i hope i believe this. But sometimes it's not easy. We humans tend to look at the external, judging others by their looks, their financial status, their academic abilities, their talents and skills, perhaps humour and a sense of quirkiness is prized too. Sadly but honestly speaking i have very little of this..... True, but i give thanks for what i have.

I believe that in everyone there is a personal uniqueness that cannot be taken away. Dominic will forever be Dominic, and he will never yield to invading forces that seeks to change him for their own benefits. I will not conform. I will never ever go with the majority; at least i hope i won't. That's exactly why this entry is entitled Frail Humanity, for the hearts of men are so easily corrupted. Each of us has our own gifting, both small and big. Some are made to shine, while others are the quiet foundations on which we stand on. In either ways, it is blasphemy to say that we're not capable of contributing - don't insult the Giver of all good things by claiming that we've got nothing to give. We have. And we must give. I remember a friend who was a simple guy whom had no particular talent in anything, he can't sing (he was tone deaf), he couldn't play the guitar well, he didn't really had anything to show. But he did have a warm smile that would melt hearts, and a firm and welcoming handshake, and he ended up as an usher, a pretty good one i must say. My best analogy is always King David, a shepherd boy, chosen out from all his brothers who all were mighty in acts of battle, to be the King of the nation of Israel. Now, no one back then could ever believe that David could be a king, "What can this boy do? He can only sing and perhaps toss a few pebbles! He can't rule!". Well, the pebble he tossed, he killed a might philistine champion. The songs he sang, they were all recorded in Israel's greatest book of Songs and Poetry. It's simply simple... Don't look at what's on the outside, though many are doing, and will go on doing it. When others see a shepherd boy, God can see a King. Even though our lives are full of ordinary things. But when he touches you, everything will change. Everything. That's what the indescribable love of God can do.

So here i am, in my weakness, i'm saying and typing this....

'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'

2 Cor 12:9

Bitter Memories.

I still remember things long gone. No wait, to be exact, i am haunted by the same memories. Even though they don't come back as much as they used to ever since i decided to walk on, in the dark cold night, or the quiet moments i can feel it's icy claws touching me.

Memories of a better past, memories of friends who have changed so much and moved on. It's a horrible feeling when suddenly you realized that people don't know you the way they used to do, and that they would rather give you the cold shoulder than to acknowledge your presence. They blame it on me, that i've given in instead of fighting it.

Well, to those who have not been thru it, who have not seen the horrors yet, of fighting to survive day by day. I say this - for those who know not, it is not in them to judge, they have no right. My battle scars tell me a story unlike many others that life is not a bed of roses. The only reason that i'm hanging on, the only thing that is keeping my sanity alive is God - nothing else.

It's kinda sad when you don't really have friends. Yeah, i'm sure i've got plenty of "hi" and "Byes" and the occasional "How's everything?" questions that only hopes for a "good" reply to end the trouble of conscience, a comer in a long sentence of fulfilling a "caring" persona. Gone were the good old days of conversations. Now it's everything about "there's something wrong with you, you wanna talk about it?" thing to fulfill a moral obligation as a Christian.

Well on the brighter side of things, it made me a more somewhat sensitive person, realizing the people around me who needs a helping hand more; those in the quiet corners.

Ministry isn't the way it was; it isn't any better. but i guess it's all my fault - i've changed. I've become more paranoid of leadership and of the leadership. Nope, i'm not plotting rebellion, but a good leader is hard to come back nowadays. Thank goodness my LG (btw i've never really liked the word LG) leader is good man, someone who actually cares, and most importantly, leads by example. His leadership style is one of few words. And i like it that way. I only respect leaders who walk the talk, and minimize the talk if they know they can't walk it well, and acknowledge it. But i also see the fact that the hearts of men are so easily corrupted. I am a fine example of a fallen leader, a bad one. It all started out well, i really had the passion to lead the people of God, but i guess along the lines somewhere the passion dwindled as the heaping list of failures and mistake grew and above all, a lack of encouragement and motivation. I guess i'm just not cut out for this...

They tell us, that we've all gotta be strong. True. Be strong then, don't act as though you are. That's what i learnt thru the long hours in camp. Don't fake it; if you've got a serious problem, admit it. CS Lewis once mentioned that when a person realizes that he's attending church for all the wrong reasons, this man grows closer to God. I fully agree with that statement. I've questioned my reason for being there, and even though sometimes the answer may not go down well with the leadership, at least i'm unafraid to face my demons, to admit it, coz i know that the greatest enemy is not from without; it's from within. There is a struggle, a war, a conflict that rages in me, and the weariness is taking a toll on me.

Mercy, mercy O God, for i know i have sinned greatly, but a greater sin still if i do not acknowledge that there's something wrong with me. With the way i think, with the way i perceive people, with the thoughts and bitter memories of a past, of people i once held dear but now forced to kill in the battlefield of my mind. God, even now i still can see their faces, see a particular smile and how much i crave it, but must put to death. God, grant me rest as i lay my weary sword down...

Saviour, like a shepherd lead me...

Hope the coming days would be brighter.