Bitter Memories.

I still remember things long gone. No wait, to be exact, i am haunted by the same memories. Even though they don't come back as much as they used to ever since i decided to walk on, in the dark cold night, or the quiet moments i can feel it's icy claws touching me.

Memories of a better past, memories of friends who have changed so much and moved on. It's a horrible feeling when suddenly you realized that people don't know you the way they used to do, and that they would rather give you the cold shoulder than to acknowledge your presence. They blame it on me, that i've given in instead of fighting it.

Well, to those who have not been thru it, who have not seen the horrors yet, of fighting to survive day by day. I say this - for those who know not, it is not in them to judge, they have no right. My battle scars tell me a story unlike many others that life is not a bed of roses. The only reason that i'm hanging on, the only thing that is keeping my sanity alive is God - nothing else.

It's kinda sad when you don't really have friends. Yeah, i'm sure i've got plenty of "hi" and "Byes" and the occasional "How's everything?" questions that only hopes for a "good" reply to end the trouble of conscience, a comer in a long sentence of fulfilling a "caring" persona. Gone were the good old days of conversations. Now it's everything about "there's something wrong with you, you wanna talk about it?" thing to fulfill a moral obligation as a Christian.

Well on the brighter side of things, it made me a more somewhat sensitive person, realizing the people around me who needs a helping hand more; those in the quiet corners.

Ministry isn't the way it was; it isn't any better. but i guess it's all my fault - i've changed. I've become more paranoid of leadership and of the leadership. Nope, i'm not plotting rebellion, but a good leader is hard to come back nowadays. Thank goodness my LG (btw i've never really liked the word LG) leader is good man, someone who actually cares, and most importantly, leads by example. His leadership style is one of few words. And i like it that way. I only respect leaders who walk the talk, and minimize the talk if they know they can't walk it well, and acknowledge it. But i also see the fact that the hearts of men are so easily corrupted. I am a fine example of a fallen leader, a bad one. It all started out well, i really had the passion to lead the people of God, but i guess along the lines somewhere the passion dwindled as the heaping list of failures and mistake grew and above all, a lack of encouragement and motivation. I guess i'm just not cut out for this...

They tell us, that we've all gotta be strong. True. Be strong then, don't act as though you are. That's what i learnt thru the long hours in camp. Don't fake it; if you've got a serious problem, admit it. CS Lewis once mentioned that when a person realizes that he's attending church for all the wrong reasons, this man grows closer to God. I fully agree with that statement. I've questioned my reason for being there, and even though sometimes the answer may not go down well with the leadership, at least i'm unafraid to face my demons, to admit it, coz i know that the greatest enemy is not from without; it's from within. There is a struggle, a war, a conflict that rages in me, and the weariness is taking a toll on me.

Mercy, mercy O God, for i know i have sinned greatly, but a greater sin still if i do not acknowledge that there's something wrong with me. With the way i think, with the way i perceive people, with the thoughts and bitter memories of a past, of people i once held dear but now forced to kill in the battlefield of my mind. God, even now i still can see their faces, see a particular smile and how much i crave it, but must put to death. God, grant me rest as i lay my weary sword down...

Saviour, like a shepherd lead me...

Hope the coming days would be brighter.