The Fuhrer Principle.

I've rediscovered something that i haven't really thought about for quite some time since i was Company IC back in Tekong. My sytle of leadership. What set my mind thinking on this issue? Well, since i hold an appointment as Decon IC and Team One Leader, and pretty soon i'll be a spec, i was more or less evaluating how my team and those i led have progressed since i took the helm of the team.

I noticed that i've become more...what's the word... brutal? Though i know the importance of balancing men and mission, i tend to side more with accomplishing the mission, even if at the cost of my relationship with my team. It's a Catch 22 situation here - it's either i do or die, but if i do, i'll still die. So might as well die in a blaze of glory! Ha! But such "Banzai Charge" tactics do cost me something. I noticed that i have taken this style of personality (to accomplish my mission even at the cost of lives) back to my family and church. Such gung ho tactics work in a army setting, but it gets quite sensitive in a family and especially a church setting. This style of leadership has a lethal mix of recklessness, lack of empathy, and a kind of sarcasm. It also involves moments when my limit is easily tested, to the point that i had to walk away many times to cool down before i pulled the trigger on my friends and family. I admit, i've got an anger problem.

It's exactly this problem that holds me back from serving any leadership position in church, even if it's a small one. Only recently have i decided that perhaps my constant hiding is a waste of time, and i took up the offer to mentor someone junior in the faith. I pray that i will not fall, as i had before many times in the past. Now i'm here not to please men or fufill any moral obligation. I serve because i know i need to; there's so much need out there in the world, all i can do now is start first in church, to meet these needs albeit in small ways, whatever ways i can. I've been brutally honest with myself recently over the reasons why i serve in the ministry ie the Worship Ministry, and even as we speak here, i'm still filtering and putting these thoughts into place. I hope that i'll be able to purge those that are unclean, and understand the greater purpose in doing all these.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention about Ruth and Adrian's Big Wedding Day! Ha! It was so touching, the whole thought of it. Of how God molded two completely different people into One. And in both their lives i see the hand of God moving. How He used Adrian to...erm...make Ruth more "female"? And how He had sustained their love together thru all the tough times. Their wedding was a good respite from all the horrible things that are happening around. It was the time when we stopped to ponder the amazing plans that God has for us, even to it's finest details, and how involved He was with our lives. Ha i still can remember the time when i talked to Ruth back in 2001, when she mentioned that she was praying for a good husband... And 4 years later, God really answered her prayer by bringing in Adrian, one of the nicest guys i've ever met, whom i had the privilege to serve under back in the old M.A.D cell. Now they're off to start their little home somewhere in Bishan, and i'm sure many good years will follow them.

And the guys (MAD cell) had some sort of Retreat on wed nite over Shaun's place. It was one of those few moments when i actually enjoyed myself in the fellowship of the Saints. I guess because there were no girls around! haha. Joking. we shared our lives, on what God was doing these few months, and i was really touched when many of them shared honestly about their struggles and pains. It's in such honesty we find healing; it's in sharing to one another that we carry one another's burden. We shared about life, secular music, and not to forget our lamentations on the female race in our generation, and the impending doom and extinction of men (as in males) as finding a good wife was becoming increasingly difficult. We also shared about finding acceptance in an increasingly biased society, even in church. We talked about the hurts we've experienced, and how sometimes we try so hard to become someone else other than who we really are. We prayed, and it was indeed a time of edifying and strengthening of each other. Indeed, may the corruption never enter our cell, may it stay clear and pure, a city of refuge for the broken hearted.

Well, time to go, long day tomorrow. =P