MAD.

I realized that i have a very brutal outlook on life. Maybe it stems from the years of injuries inflicted by life. I still can feel some of these arrows sticking out of my back.

There was a period where i was very hostile to people, during my BMT days last year. Why? I can't really settle down for an answer, guess i'm unable to cross the line of being a soldier on a weekday, and a civilian on the weekends. I've got friends who complaint that it was irritating of me to keep talking about army out in the civilian world, and that i had to get a life on a weekend as a civilian, not a soldier. But unknown to them, it's a struggle for me to find that distinction.

I really find it hard to relate to people. I guess that's the problem.

Things are not made better when all your friends are moving on, faces change, attitudes change. The struggles that i struggle with are so different with what they go thru. And somehow as the services go by, i began to realise that all they said to me were just simple "HI's" and "BYE's". Stopping to listen to me blasting with full military jargons would be a nightmare even for the most ardent listener. I felt really left out back then. And i thank God for those few who saw me thru, especially Anthony. Guess he was truly my anchor back then, when i was suffering, i knew he understood it, coz we went into army at the same time. I knew what i suffered, i knew what he suffered. Perhaps that created a bond that no normal person can understand - A silent code of honour...

...that you will not leave your brother behind, no matter how hard his heart is.

And during the June Accelerate Camp, i approached him and thanked him for all the encouragement. He was the ONLY reason that i stayed in the ministry. He was the only one whose "Hey are you okie?" had meaning, sounded genuine, and made it's impact in my life. Even now, i feel kinda strange if he doesn't appear for service due to his duties.

Now, those few months were such an desert experience. I felt like i was fighting the demons alone. It was then when my past came back to haunt me - the words that people said to me which had left a mark upon my heart. A poisonous concoction of rage, bitterness, anger, fear began to launch it's artillery barrage upon my soul. I was tormented and tortured, and it nearly drove me crazy.

The only and very thing that sustained me was the Word Of God.

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

And during the Retreat back in 2004, i confessed to a peer, a good friend of many years that "i miss the good old days". Yeah i do, but life gotta go on. I can't turn back time, time moves on.

And now after a few months of fighting and struggling, i'm glad that i've found people whom i can share my life with. There's something different about the current cell that i'm in now. It's not your typical week after week "how's ur life?" "Got do quiet time?" "Share something about ur life this week. Erm everything's okie" cell group meetings. It has become something very real. Our sharings are brutally honest, as we share in a very real and personal way that can drive many to tears. No pretentence, no superficiality, no obligations. Where broken lives can come and find refuge and shelter from a cruel and unforgiving world.

To the guys of M.A.D. - We stand alone together. Currrahee!