Siege Mentality

Ever heard of this country up north from the Republic of Korea? Beyond the 38th Parallel? According to world stats, this country is the most isolated and one of the few surviving bastion of Communism. And with their recent rhetorics and threats of a nuclear showdown, it more or less generates certain interest, especially to me, a lover of all things military and politics. To them, the world was one that has beeen influenced by the Imperialist West, especially America, and that their glorious nation is under siege from a world bent on destroyin them, on pillaging their proud Korean culture and making it one of decadence and immorality. It is what i coin as "the Siege Mentality".

And i feel sometimes i'm guilty of it.

I realized that i'm a very impatient man. A recent personality test i took rendered me a high D (Dominant) for my character trait. This type of person with a high D are usually known as "the Tyrant" - bossy, autocratic, demanding etc you get the idea. And i realized that if i didn't really control myself; subduing the evil in me, i would pretty much behave like a tyrant. And sometimes i feel that i'm living my life as though someone had pissed me off, even though it's not true. I guess it's an effect from having the fear and flaws catching up with you in the cold of the night. The sudden realisation that you're not who you thought you are; the thought that you far from what people think you are can have a devastating effect on your morale to carry on. I guess that's where grace comes into play.

It's a great comfort to know that God's grace is new every morning.

A tyrant, a dictator, lack of empathy, lack of patience. The inner me has somewhat mutated, and i have been fighting these inner demons for a very long time.

Only a few can see and understand this great war that rages in me.

And i've become so often a casualty of war.

And so this brings me back to my "Siege Mentality" At it's worst, i become someone rather hostile and unforgiving. At it's best? This i do not know. I realise i treasure solitude more nowadays, a solitude that borders on the anti-social. I prefer to be alone more often, even in camp, and being someone with a rather loud tone, it's ironic that i would prefer silence, and would not hesitate to show my disdain for excessive noises.

Well, looking from another point of view, i realise that it's not me being the anti - social. But rather i had enough of trying to conform to the likings of others. Instead of following the crowd and pretend to enjoy what they enjoy, i've chosen to be more confrontational when i feel that i'm not going to be very happy doing something that everyone enjoys doing. And i wonder why my preferences are so different from the normal average young man. Why do i enjoy doing things that hardly anyone enjoys doing? Personality differences? It's sad, the number of times i tried to assimilate into the cliques and groups of friends,but usually ending up as the out cast. I have enough bad experience, and all i can say is that these experiences have hardened me to the point that i feel numb, that it didn't really matter anymore.

I don't know, maybe i had a screwed up life for far too long. It's being a long time since i was excited about something, it's been a long time since i truly laughed with all my heart, it's been a long time since i understood and experienced joy.

Oh well, i guess it's up to the Big Guy to decide what He needs to do with me....