Sleepless Night.
I'd recieved exciting news from Jachin that he's planning to get married next year National Day.
Imagine the look on my face when i recieved that phone call from Jachin. Haha.
Of coz i rejoiced for my brother, these things are always joyous occasions.
But what struck me the most was:
Hey.
We're not kids anymore. All the boyish nonsense that we once had have all somehow disappeared, being laid crush under the effects of trying to mature, sometimes even prematurely, to be what we were supoposed to be, to bear new burdens, to face new challenges and uncertainties.
My generation has grown up.
We are kids no more.
We are men.
As lame as it sounds, but to me, it hit me subtely. As i sat there in the cold spec mess all alone after recieving that phone call from Jachin, i couldn't help but remember the good old times, the times when relationships and marriage were the least of our concerns. Now, somehow our table conversation evolves around the who's and the when's of our future, of cars, HDBs, and wedding locations.
It kinda scares me.
Well, at least it's not a lost of innocence, but rather a growing process where we men learn to take up our God-given roles as He intended, and i'm glad to se Jachin moving on to fulfill the role of a husband, and perhaps, in due time, a father. =)
The next question that hit me (and i suspect most of my cell guys were hit by this flying projectile) was:
Hey.
Jachin's only 2 years older, and he's getting married.
What in the world are we doing?
These are honest fears.
Fears that people don't usually know or willing to admit.
It's a fear that I've been in an all guys environment for so many donkey years, that somehow i find relating to the opposite gender a mammoth task. Somehow, as ironically as it sounds, my comfort zone was in the spectrum of an all guys cell. (I spent at least 85% of my cell time in all guys cell) and now when i've reached a suitable age for courtship, i don't have the courage to do it. Even if God willing.
It's a fear that somehow you'll miss out that God-given opportunity, and everything else passes you by, leaving you stranded and alone. I've tasted the bitter water of loneliness, and i do not deny that it hurts alot, a mortal wound to an already fragile heart.
It's a fear that i can never match up to the standards. That I have nothing attractive to offer, nothing worthy to give.
Laugh as you may, but these really are genuine fears that has haunted me for years, and only recently had i subjected them under the control of Christ.
I've created My own prison, as the Creed song goes.
Last night i couldn't sleep.
I spent almost the entire night thinking about it. It wasn't an oppressive feeling, i guess God wanted to talk. And talked we did. And somehow along the way, our conversation enter the realm of the soul mate. It wasn't planned for, i had no intention to mention it, since i felt that my immediate future after i ORDed was the most pressing issue.
As i sat there staring at my flickering Ikea lamp, i took out my journal and started writing something that i've never really written about.
What I really wanted in a soul mate.
It was a short post, cause i realized that i don't really have any fixed requirements other than those that are considered prerequsite to even consider in the first place.
The most important thing that i wanted in my soulmate is a heart that loves God, and from it flows a love for me.
For it is in loving Perfect Love, we learn to love in all our inperfections.
And that there would be mutual acceptance that is not based on looks, financial abilities, status or intelligence.
Whao, i'm being brutally honest.
At least i got nothing to hide.
Imagine the look on my face when i recieved that phone call from Jachin. Haha.
Of coz i rejoiced for my brother, these things are always joyous occasions.
But what struck me the most was:
Hey.
We're not kids anymore. All the boyish nonsense that we once had have all somehow disappeared, being laid crush under the effects of trying to mature, sometimes even prematurely, to be what we were supoposed to be, to bear new burdens, to face new challenges and uncertainties.
My generation has grown up.
We are kids no more.
We are men.
As lame as it sounds, but to me, it hit me subtely. As i sat there in the cold spec mess all alone after recieving that phone call from Jachin, i couldn't help but remember the good old times, the times when relationships and marriage were the least of our concerns. Now, somehow our table conversation evolves around the who's and the when's of our future, of cars, HDBs, and wedding locations.
It kinda scares me.
Well, at least it's not a lost of innocence, but rather a growing process where we men learn to take up our God-given roles as He intended, and i'm glad to se Jachin moving on to fulfill the role of a husband, and perhaps, in due time, a father. =)
The next question that hit me (and i suspect most of my cell guys were hit by this flying projectile) was:
Hey.
Jachin's only 2 years older, and he's getting married.
What in the world are we doing?
These are honest fears.
Fears that people don't usually know or willing to admit.
It's a fear that I've been in an all guys environment for so many donkey years, that somehow i find relating to the opposite gender a mammoth task. Somehow, as ironically as it sounds, my comfort zone was in the spectrum of an all guys cell. (I spent at least 85% of my cell time in all guys cell) and now when i've reached a suitable age for courtship, i don't have the courage to do it. Even if God willing.
It's a fear that somehow you'll miss out that God-given opportunity, and everything else passes you by, leaving you stranded and alone. I've tasted the bitter water of loneliness, and i do not deny that it hurts alot, a mortal wound to an already fragile heart.
It's a fear that i can never match up to the standards. That I have nothing attractive to offer, nothing worthy to give.
Laugh as you may, but these really are genuine fears that has haunted me for years, and only recently had i subjected them under the control of Christ.
I've created My own prison, as the Creed song goes.
Last night i couldn't sleep.
I spent almost the entire night thinking about it. It wasn't an oppressive feeling, i guess God wanted to talk. And talked we did. And somehow along the way, our conversation enter the realm of the soul mate. It wasn't planned for, i had no intention to mention it, since i felt that my immediate future after i ORDed was the most pressing issue.
As i sat there staring at my flickering Ikea lamp, i took out my journal and started writing something that i've never really written about.
What I really wanted in a soul mate.
It was a short post, cause i realized that i don't really have any fixed requirements other than those that are considered prerequsite to even consider in the first place.
The most important thing that i wanted in my soulmate is a heart that loves God, and from it flows a love for me.
For it is in loving Perfect Love, we learn to love in all our inperfections.
And that there would be mutual acceptance that is not based on looks, financial abilities, status or intelligence.
Whao, i'm being brutally honest.
At least i got nothing to hide.
posted by DoMiniC at 4/23/2006 11:30:00 PM
2 Comments:
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