Sitting under the fig tree.: Retreat 060606

View of the land from the hotel.

Just got back from my church retreat held at Batu Pahat a few days back. Well, all I can commend about the retreat is...

it was pretty ordinary.

Perhaps it was the lack of activity that so easily frustrates a 3rd Sergeant who rushes around like a mad man back in the army camp. (Well, that's exactly the point of the retreat! You're supposed to slow down...). Perhaps it was some of the unhappy moments I experienced, but somehow managing to remain silent so as not to upset the balance of church unity. Perhaps it was my past coming back to haunt me again, as I seek to put it to the sword instead of running away from it.

Nevertheless, God spoke to me, albeit in a quiet and simple way.

Here goes:

I gotta stop relying on my own strength.

It had always been an issue; i can be some sort of perfectionist when it comes to getting things done, which explains my seemingly irrational inpatience. Only in the retreat did i realise something - I took personal pride to a scary level in doing things, which means i'm too much concerned with the failure or succes of the things i do, which can be a severe hindrance especially in serving God. Nothing wrong in taking pride in the things you do... But hiding behind it as a tool of gaining acceptance can be dangerous.

What do i mean?

Since young, i never really had a very healthy image of myself, and all the late night suppers of hokkien mee and fried oyster made me into a rather "well covered" kid. Deep in me was this inferiority complex too. I always felt that people were simply better than me in whatever i do, and not to forget the seeming huge amount of failures drove to to almost a breaking point in my life, especially in church ministry. How ironic isn't it?

Army made things worse. I was appointed to a leadership position, and almost immediately i morphed into a tyrant. I found my solace in the belief that I could manage it well, and thus scoring points with my superiors in camp. I wanted people to know me as capable, hardworking, efffective etc. But it was all a mask for me to don.

In the retreat, I needed to lead worship for a morning event. As i went about preparing, i went into my normal logical mode of reasoning and planning. After all the preparation, in the darkness of my little room, i realised something important.

I did not even seek God for it. It was all done in the flesh.

And slowly I opened myself to trusting God, and even in the camp, as my room-mates (Ant and Joshua) gathered to pray for me, they gave me similar words. I needed to let go and let God, and stop trusting in my own capabilities. As i surrendered to Him, He prepared my heart.

And He prepared me for worship.

Simple songs - I will awaken the dawning, Great in Power, Great is Thy Faithfulness, and lastly Call Me Deeper. But i felt so alive when singing them, a sense that i've not felt in almost a millennium. I stand amazed at how God touches us, and invites us in to serve Him. It has nothing to do with conscription in His service, but once you've met Him and experience, trust me, you volunteer to be His slave. And as i stood there singing, i felt liberated, liberated to serve, to expect the unexpected from God like a little boy eagerly anticipating what might had been that rattling sound in his Christmas present.

I'm slowly learning how to trust God in everything. (Yes, including a soul mate) Learning to flow with the Holy Spirit instead of insisting on following my plans. Learning to see Him and hear Him, as I set my heart unto seeking Him.

So that basically marks the most important thing i learnt from the retreat. I've learn a few snippets of spiritual nuggets, but i guess that would be for another time aye?

oh, and good news.

after a uber long break, I'll be back to lead worship in the ministry very soon.

Praise Adonai.....