I just don't want to give up

Everyone is afraid of falling, but sometimes fall we must. Its part of the growing process.

I'm sorry to say that the past two months had been difficult for me. I'm sorry to say that things are so much different when I'm out of the system. I'm sorry that there are times I do fall. However I do take comfort when I read the accounts of the people in the Bible whom had an encounter with God, almost all of them fell at a certain point of their lives, and yet God still engaged them. Could it be that falling is a part of God's plan in molding His people? This I will never fully comprehend.

I must confess that it hasn't been easy on me. While people talk about grand dreams and great endeavors for God, all I want to do now is to simply survive. While some may see this as lack of faith, or backsliding etc ad nauseum, it isn't. And yes its true, God wants us to prosper, and that we're more than conquerors etc. I'm not denying that these are true.

Just that these are times when I'm struggling to fit all these into my own life.

Would you still consider me a lesser mortal?

Sometimes I'm just so tired from trying. Yet I know I've got nowhere else to go, there's no one else whom I can hope in. I had enough of people telling me that "Oh there's something very wrong in your life", as if I've committed a cardinal crime in a Soviet Bloc state just because my ways of expressing my faith are different, or that I'm not meeting the status quo.

No, I'm just trying to find my way around. Sometimes followers do get lost. Sometimes followers do get lost in the desert. Sometimes followers do get burnt out. Sometimes followers do end up in the belly of a whale. There are times when we just gotta learn things the hard way; sometimes we just gotta relearn things.

I know I've neglected my spiritual life for quite awhile. I know that I've ventured into the world trying to find that seemingly-lacking peace and satisfaction, and have come back full circle to where I once started, realizing that yes its true, the world can offer us alot of things, but they are just temporal. At the end of the day, when I'm quiet and all alone, I realized that all that the world had to offer cannot buy me anything worthwhile, and my heart is drawn back to the cross once again, hanging onto it and barely surviving.

Its true, I need help, God.

I think people should be honest of their struggles and failings, instead of trying to hide behind some facade of strength or "orchestrated humility" to earn some brownie points for attention. You can really tell when a person is genuinely baring out his pains and fears, all his failings and struggles. The burden should not be theirs alone to bear. To us who are so quick in offering solutions, we should all just shut up and listen. Don't fall in the the category of Job's friends who were so eager to justify what they believed in and apply it totally to Job without even considering his situation, bombarding him with opinions and half-baked solutions. It was said that Job's friend mourned with him for 7 days - they should have mourned and kept quiet even longer if necessary.